As I’m drafting this, journalists are waiting on a joint Kerry/Abdullah/Ghani press conference. All goes as planned, the latest example of American non-intervention in a totes transparent process will yield some kind of way forward in the deadlocked election deciding the next Afghan president. Thanks to Hollywood, here’s at least five better ways to decide this election. 

Enter Thunderdome

Plot: In a world where Mel Gibson’s movie career was based on something other than hand puppets, Aunty Entity gets her democracy on. Overdone, but there’s nothing more even handed than “two men enter, one man leaves.” And it makes counting easier.

Winner: Abdullah, and decisively. Not that Ghani’s not capable, but his health issues raise concerns about his ability to walk out of the cage a winner. Not a chance he TED talks his way out of this one.

Do the Running Man

Plot: It’s simple. Outrun all the bad guys trying to kill you. In this case, it’s Arnold Schwarzenegger in one of his more believable roles. Vs. the unbelievable ones where he played a cop or a concerned father. Survive the Taliban, become president. The parallels are chilling.

Winner: Abdullah again, but maybe not as decisively. Ghani’s focus on infrastructure means he’s not your go-to for mortal combat, but maybe he can stay away from his competition long enough to survive. Where it’s tough to call is the fact that this one’s televised, and both of ’em do love a good camera.

Play the Hunger Games

Plot: Oppressed people made to fight by a centralized government completely out of touchwith the far reaches of its domain. Sounds a lot like Afghanistan. And large parts of Texas. People forced to fight over precious resources for the amusement of a larger audience seems COINerific to me.

Winner: Ghani, since the Games are all about putting together alliances just long enough to stay alive. And in the end, he is Katniss to Dostum’s Peeta, and both get to live another day rather than dying horribly. And I realize how awkward that comparison could be if we extend it out. At all.

Link up with Tron

Plot: The original, not the well-done but not-as-fun remake. Human gets trapped in a video game and has to fight to the death to survive. So another situation where outside forces are largely responsible for the plight of the protagonist. I’ll leave the intervention parallels right there.

Winner: Too tough to call, but edge goes to Ghani. It’s a tech-based gambit, and he seems more comfortable with electronics than his counterpart. It is, again, single combat, and Abdullah’s experience plays well here. But the chance that Ghani could arrange a payout and emerge victorious is strong.

Buzkashi, boys

Plot: This one isn’t so much a plot as it is a scene within one of the worst/best movies ever made about Afghanistan. John Rambo works with the anti-Soviet rebels in order to save an old friend. In the meantime, let’s toss around a dead goat carcass for a while, and reminisce about how things were easier when it was just the Russians.

Winner: Abdullah, once again. Ghani’s an academic, and while he may be fully qualified to deal with the world politically, I don’t see him as a strong buzkashi player. It’s the most culturally acceptable solution, but the chance of a proxy match is strong here. Anything to see Dostum rampaging through a buzkashi match, friends.

Back to the ballot box

Since (sadly) elections are not decided this way, it’s possible that the day will end and we still won’t know the outcome. I’d prognosticate about likely scenarios, but I’ll leave that to the analysts and thinkers who can give that some serious thought. Meantime, I’m off to find 26 Cats That Look Like Afghan Presidential Candidates.